Bruce Ware on "Big Truths for Young Hearts"

“Ever thought of reading systematic theology to your kids at bedtime?

Well, Bruce Ware did. A professor of theology and the president of the Evangelical Theological Society, Dr. Ware’s new book–Big Truths for Small Hearts–is a tremendous resource for Christian parents.

He joins Dr. Mohler on the program today for a special conversation.”

• Link: http://www.albertmohler.com/radio_show.php?cdate=2009-05-19
• Buy at Koorong here: http://orders.koorong.com/search/details.jhtml?code=9781433506017
• Interview: http://theologica.blogspot.com/2009/04/big-truths-for-young-hearts-interview.html
• Review: http://www.cbmw.org/Blog/Posts/Big-Truths-for-Young-Hearts-Systematic-Theology-for-Little-Ones-Part-II

I Kissed Dating Good Bye – part three

In this post I will touch briefly on courtship and then move to why IKDG is controversial.

In IKDG Harris doesn’t really go into the process of courtship. This is because Harris has written a whole other book on the subject called ‘Boy Meets Girl’. I haven’t read ‘Boy Meets Girl’ (yet!) but this is what I think Harris means by courtship from IKDG. The courtship process is when when a man decides to approach a women with the view to forming a romantic attachment that will lead to marriage. Harris believes that the initial approach should come through her parents and the courtship process should involve both the man and women’s families. Remembering that Harris advocates no romantic involvement until a couple are ready for marriage, then a move to the courtship process is as good as saying ‘marry me!’ and thus ends single life.

I think that the deliberate nature of the courtship idea fits with the whole philosophy of IKDG. But the ideas presented by Harris are not without criticism. First I should note that Harris’s ideas were not radically new when he published his book in 1997. The seeds of them had been popular, particularly in homeschooling circles. Harris was homeschooled and his parents were early pioneers on the movement in the States. What Harris did was synthesise some of the ideas floating around in to a more coherent package. I’ve read that he ‘popularised’ the courtship movement.

So what do people say is wrong with IKDG.

There are some sites you can look at. One is ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?’. I don’t know anything about the author of this site as there is no ‘about me’ page but he has commented on my site (Hi Steve). It’s main criticism is that by not dating young people don’t get a chance to interact. When they reach their mid-twenties, and are ready for marriage they behave like 16 year olds. This site also points out that the no-dating philosophy is OK for younger people but what about those in single in their late 20s and 30s? Another criticism is that by not dating and having a long ‘get to know you’ period then couples can get married without really knowing each other.

There are also some articles here. One criticism I read in several places is that the courtship movement was developed as a way for homeschooling parents to control all aspects of their children’s lives, even who they marry.

Just because there are some criticisms of the IKDG philosophy does not mean that the ideas are unbiblical. So stay tuned, in part 4 I’ll express my opinion.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye – part two

The book is back.

First I want to deal with something that came up in the comments. In NZ we don’t really have a culture of dating, especially among those in their teens and early twenties. Young people tend to meet each other in group situations and would become a steady couple with out going out somewhere on a romantic ‘date’. I think this arose when our relationship patterns began changing post World War Two. Harris talks about this in a US context on pp.29-30. In the States they had many more place to go and eat out. In New Zealand there were very few places to eat out, let alone those that young people could afford or felt comfortable in. So a pattern arose of meeting people through clubs and dances and not really ‘dating’, as in a couple going somewhere for a ‘get to know you’.

This practice links in to today’s post about IKDG. In my last post I said I would cover the pattern for romantic relationships that Harris proposes. The NZ way of ‘doing’ relationships bears some resemblance to what Harris advocates.

His main message is don’t think about being romantically involved until you are ready to get married. Relationships that can’t end in marriage, eg because the couple are too young, are a waste of time. Age is only part of the equation. Financial stability is another, as is Christian maturity.

Because very few men can support a family at 16 this idea cuts out relationships until people are in their 20’s. Culturally we follow this pattern somewhat. Most people form a serious, usually life long, relationship  in their early to mid twenties. The difference would be with Harris’s approach that this would be their first and only serious relationship.

This raises a question. What are you supposed to do before you are ready for marriage? Harris suggests that unmarried people become involved in serving in their church. Not only does this mean that the single person uses their time wisely by serving the body of Christ but it also gives them opportuities to socialise in group situations. By working along side other Christians young people can observe the character of others, and learn to be friends with member of the opposite sex. The idea is to treat each other like brothers and sisters, which Christians, are in Christ.

NZ cultural practices support this idea somewhat. Groups are the way young people met. What is different about Harris’s idea is that he advocates not forming romantic attachments until the young person is ready to marry.

In the next post I will cover what Harris calls ‘courtship’ and touch on why IKDG is so controversial.

The battle of the Blue Penguin

My girls got this really cool game for Christmas. It’s called the Amazing Moa Hunt and it’s a game that tests your NZ geography.

If you are looking for a present for a family or your family I would thoroughly recommend it. But the main purpose of this post is not to encourage consumerism. We have a battle over one of the playing counters.

It is a game for 4 people and the four counters are NZ native birds, one of which is the Blue Penguin. The first time we played G1 wanted to be Blue Penguin, and the next time and the next time. In fact, two weeks later, she would only play the game if she could have the Blue Penguin counter.

Now this may seem like a really trivial issue, so what if she is fixated on one counter?

One of my favourite parenting books is Shepherding a Childs Heart. Tedd Tripp emphasises the importance of looking at what causes your child’s behaviour, in other words how they are acting is speaking about what is in their heart.

So what is an unhealthy obsession with a Blue Penguin saying about G1?

This is what we saw underlying it – the desire to control, and a fear of something new. These heart attitudes are understandable and related, by controlling the situation she doesn’t have to try something new. But these attitudes have the potential to become un-Godly.

So what did we do?

First, G1 is not allowed to be Blue Penguin and she must play the game and try different counters. But also we talked to her and named the behaviours. I told her that it is hard to try new things but she needs to learn to trust God because she will have to try lots of new things as she moves towards adulthood. I also told her that being in control can be good but she needs to let others be in control as well, her parents and God. I understand that the board game is something a 10 year old has power over but she also needs to understand that if she lets her parents be in charge first then maybe she will be allowed to have control over something bigger, like the washing machine. And ultimately, as her parents, we want to see her surrender her life to God’s control not her own.

‘Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.’ (Proverbs 22:15 NASB).

The battle over a counter in a board game is foolish. It is our job as parents to apply discipline that draws our children away from the foolishness’ of their hearts and towards God’s wisdom.

I Kissed Dating Goodbye – part one

This book was first published over 10 years ago. Because it has been around a while some of the ideas had filtered in to the Christian community. So before I began reading this book I was not unfamiliar with Joshua Harris’s ideas.

In the first part of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (IKDG) Harris draws on his own relationship journey to point out what he sees as wrong with our culture’s dating patterns. His conclusion is two fold. Firstly, he sees the idea of ‘dating’ as being selfish. People enter into a series of short term relationships because it is fun for them, not because they are ready to commit to one person for life . Secondly, he thinks that dating, particularly before you are ready to be married, leads to sexual temptation.

I agree with both these problems. I think that selfishness taints many relationships not just those between single people. The biblical model should be to serve one another. Sadly in our self centred culture the emphasis tends to be on what I can get out of this friendship/relationship, or even church, not how can I serve this person. I think that all Christians could learn from Harris’s reminder to put others first.

On the sexual purity issue Song of Songs 2:7 springs to mind. We know that our culture has a strong emphasis on sex and often upholds it as the most important part of a relationship. This is more of a problem with teens who feel the pressure to conform to societies norms more strongly. I think the message of my youth, which was ‘pair’ off but don’t have sex, is inadequate. The model present by IKDG of not ‘dating’ until you think you are ready to get married removes some of the sexual temptations, or at least the ability to act upon them.

The overall impression this book gave me is of purposefulness. Harris is saying that we should approach romantic relationships with the idea that we might marry the person we are interested in. He also points out that a lot of time is wasted when single people spend time pursuing relationships that break up. Just remember all that time you spent worrying if so and so liked you!

Next, I’ll outline what Harris proposes as the alternative to dating and my opinion of it.

I’ve kissed dating good bye

I bet there is no surprise there, I’ve been married to the Hubster for almost 15 years.

While on Holiday I read Joshua Harris’s book ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’. You may wonder why a women in her 30’s who has been married for a long time wanted to read a book about dating.

I have daughters. And, such is the way of the world, they are getting older. As much as I may want them to remain pre teens forever this will not happen and besides I don’t want to be making schools lunches forever.

I decided it was time to see what Harris’ ideas about romantic relationships were.

I really enjoyed the book. I think it has a lot to say about relations between members of the opposite sex that even old people like me can befit from.

Because I got so much out of this book I think I will do several posts on it.

Zoo to you

It seems that the behaviour of children is soliciting some media attention again.

This article highlights that a survey conducted in Britain for Barnardos found 54% of adults thought children behaved like animals. Barnardos was disturbed by this finding. They thought it showed “unjustified and disturbing intolerance of children”.

If ‘most’ children are not troublesome, as claimed in the article, why would the public think that children behave like animals.

I guess Barnardos might rationalise this finding. With smaller families and children as a smaller proportion of society perhaps adults are relying on stereotypes.

Instead I like to propose a radical idea. 54% of adults believe children are behaving like animals because children are behaving like animals.

I spend a lot of time with children. I have primary school aged children. I work voluntarily in classrooms, sometimes at schools other than those attended by my children. I supervise school trips. I hang out at places where there are lots of children, playgrounds, swimming pools, libraries. I agree with 54% of British adults, children behave badly.

Casting my mind over this year I can name numerous observed incidents of bad behaviour. Three weeks ago I supervised on a school trip to the theatre. At half time some older primary school boys, sitting in back of the tiered seating, began throwing rubbish at those on the seats below. I have seen chairs thrown in the classroom. I had a child who hid under a desk and would not come out. When adults see this it is no wonder they feel negative about children.

Barnardos have their head in the sand. Sure, only a small number of children are truly ‘troublesome’ if this means they end up having dealings with the police. But a large number display unattractive behaviour.

I think this comment may hint at what is causing children’s behaviour to deteriorate. ‘Half (the survey participants) disagreed with the statement that children who get into trouble were misunderstood and in need of professional help.’ I also disagree with that statement. Misbehaving children don’t need understanding, they need discipline.

What form that discipline should take is a question for another day.

Shepherding a Child’s Heart

Everyone wants to be a great parent—the biggest responsibility of parenthood is teaching your children to love Jesus with all of their heart, soul, and strength. For parents with children of any age, Dr. Tripp’s insightful, biblical teaching provides perspectives and procedures for shepherding your child’s heart into the paths of life.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”
Deuteronomy 6:5-9

Source here.

Birthday girl

I introduced G1 as being aged 8. Well not any more.

Today is her 9th birthday.

Here she is with her mocha sponge-roll birthday cake.

This year I’m particularly struck by the fact that she is growing in to a young women. This has led me to reflect on my role in her life. I am the older women of Titus 2 to my girls. I find this a sobering thought and a challenge. I am praying that God will give me the wisdom and strength to fulfil this special calling.

Tama-whats-it

Guess what was lurking under our Christmas tree this year This is not my first choice of gift, in fact they would come pretty low in a list of things I think my children should play with.

After a week this is what I think of Tamagotchi.

Good points: They keep children quiet! they do teach a sense of responsibility, you need to take care of them or they die.

Bad points: They have replaced real imaginary play. Our dolls have not come out since the Tamagotchi arrived. They are rude, they beep for attention. We banned them from the dinning table, but its hard to have a conversation with a child who’s tuned in to the beeping.

On a shallow level these are fun interactive toys. I totally understand their attraction over the dolls. Dolls never to anything that hasn’t been imagined by the child. Tamagotchi are unpredictable.

On a deeper level I have several issues. They encourage children in to an electronic virtual world. For many people these worlds are a hobby but they can become a way of escaping reality.  Philippians 4:8 tells us to let our minds dwell on what is true, not on a fantasy world.

The way the Tamagotchi get an immediate response to the exclusion of real people also concerns me. The way the girls carry them round reminds me of teenagers with cell phones. The Hubster did comment, Tamagotchi at 8, cell phone at 10.

These are on a watching brief. I’m hoping that they will be a fun toy, not an obsession or a replacement for reality.

G2’s first one has already died. Never fret though, you just push the rest set button at the back and you get a new one!