I Kissed Dating Good Bye – part three
In this post I will touch briefly on courtship and then move to why IKDG is controversial.
In IKDG Harris doesn’t really go into the process of courtship. This is because Harris has written a whole other book on the subject called ‘Boy Meets Girl’. I haven’t read ‘Boy Meets Girl’ (yet!) but this is what I think Harris means by courtship from IKDG. The courtship process is when when a man decides to approach a women with the view to forming a romantic attachment that will lead to marriage. Harris believes that the initial approach should come through her parents and the courtship process should involve both the man and women’s families. Remembering that Harris advocates no romantic involvement until a couple are ready for marriage, then a move to the courtship process is as good as saying ‘marry me!’ and thus ends single life.
I think that the deliberate nature of the courtship idea fits with the whole philosophy of IKDG. But the ideas presented by Harris are not without criticism. First I should note that Harris’s ideas were not radically new when he published his book in 1997. The seeds of them had been popular, particularly in homeschooling circles. Harris was homeschooled and his parents were early pioneers on the movement in the States. What Harris did was synthesise some of the ideas floating around in to a more coherent package. I’ve read that he ‘popularised’ the courtship movement.
So what do people say is wrong with IKDG.
There are some sites you can look at. One is ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye: Wisdom or Foolishness?’. I don’t know anything about the author of this site as there is no ‘about me’ page but he has commented on my site (Hi Steve). It’s main criticism is that by not dating young people don’t get a chance to interact. When they reach their mid-twenties, and are ready for marriage they behave like 16 year olds. This site also points out that the no-dating philosophy is OK for younger people but what about those in single in their late 20s and 30s? Another criticism is that by not dating and having a long ‘get to know you’ period then couples can get married without really knowing each other.
There are also some articles here. One criticism I read in several places is that the courtship movement was developed as a way for homeschooling parents to control all aspects of their children’s lives, even who they marry.
Just because there are some criticisms of the IKDG philosophy does not mean that the ideas are unbiblical. So stay tuned, in part 4 I’ll express my opinion.
Filed under Christianity, Parenting | Comments (2)I Kissed Dating Goodbye – part two
The book is back.
First I want to deal with something that came up in the comments. In NZ we don’t really have a culture of dating, especially among those in their teens and early twenties. Young people tend to meet each other in group situations and would become a steady couple with out going out somewhere on a romantic ‘date’. I think this arose when our relationship patterns began changing post World War Two. Harris talks about this in a US context on pp.29-30. In the States they had many more place to go and eat out. In New Zealand there were very few places to eat out, let alone those that young people could afford or felt comfortable in. So a pattern arose of meeting people through clubs and dances and not really ‘dating’, as in a couple going somewhere for a ‘get to know you’.
This practice links in to today’s post about IKDG. In my last post I said I would cover the pattern for romantic relationships that Harris proposes. The NZ way of ‘doing’ relationships bears some resemblance to what Harris advocates.
His main message is don’t think about being romantically involved until you are ready to get married. Relationships that can’t end in marriage, eg because the couple are too young, are a waste of time. Age is only part of the equation. Financial stability is another, as is Christian maturity.
Because very few men can support a family at 16 this idea cuts out relationships until people are in their 20’s. Culturally we follow this pattern somewhat. Most people form a serious, usually life long, relationship in their early to mid twenties. The difference would be with Harris’s approach that this would be their first and only serious relationship.
This raises a question. What are you supposed to do before you are ready for marriage? Harris suggests that unmarried people become involved in serving in their church. Not only does this mean that the single person uses their time wisely by serving the body of Christ but it also gives them opportuities to socialise in group situations. By working along side other Christians young people can observe the character of others, and learn to be friends with member of the opposite sex. The idea is to treat each other like brothers and sisters, which Christians, are in Christ.
NZ cultural practices support this idea somewhat. Groups are the way young people met. What is different about Harris’s idea is that he advocates not forming romantic attachments until the young person is ready to marry.
In the next post I will cover what Harris calls ‘courtship’ and touch on why IKDG is so controversial.
Filed under Christianity, Parenting | Comment (0)I Kissed Dating Goodbye – part one
This book was first published over 10 years ago. Because it has been around a while some of the ideas had filtered in to the Christian community. So before I began reading this book I was not unfamiliar with Joshua Harris’s ideas.
In the first part of I Kissed Dating Goodbye (IKDG) Harris draws on his own relationship journey to point out what he sees as wrong with our culture’s dating patterns. His conclusion is two fold. Firstly, he sees the idea of ‘dating’ as being selfish. People enter into a series of short term relationships because it is fun for them, not because they are ready to commit to one person for life . Secondly, he thinks that dating, particularly before you are ready to be married, leads to sexual temptation.
I agree with both these problems. I think that selfishness taints many relationships not just those between single people. The biblical model should be to serve one another. Sadly in our self centred culture the emphasis tends to be on what I can get out of this friendship/relationship, or even church, not how can I serve this person. I think that all Christians could learn from Harris’s reminder to put others first.
On the sexual purity issue Song of Songs 2:7 springs to mind. We know that our culture has a strong emphasis on sex and often upholds it as the most important part of a relationship. This is more of a problem with teens who feel the pressure to conform to societies norms more strongly. I think the message of my youth, which was ‘pair’ off but don’t have sex, is inadequate. The model present by IKDG of not ‘dating’ until you think you are ready to get married removes some of the sexual temptations, or at least the ability to act upon them.
The overall impression this book gave me is of purposefulness. Harris is saying that we should approach romantic relationships with the idea that we might marry the person we are interested in. He also points out that a lot of time is wasted when single people spend time pursuing relationships that break up. Just remember all that time you spent worrying if so and so liked you!
Next, I’ll outline what Harris proposes as the alternative to dating and my opinion of it.
Filed under Christianity, Parenting | Comment (1)I’ve kissed dating good bye
I bet there is no surprise there, I’ve been married to the Hubster for almost 15 years.
While on Holiday I read Joshua Harris’s book ‘I Kissed Dating Goodbye’. You may wonder why a women in her 30’s who has been married for a long time wanted to read a book about dating.
I have daughters. And, such is the way of the world, they are getting older. As much as I may want them to remain pre teens forever this will not happen and besides I don’t want to be making schools lunches forever.
I decided it was time to see what Harris’ ideas about romantic relationships were.
I really enjoyed the book. I think it has a lot to say about relations between members of the opposite sex that even old people like me can befit from.
Because I got so much out of this book I think I will do several posts on it.
Filed under Christianity, Family, Parenting | Comments (5)Hello, any one there?
Stand by for more regular posts.
I have had major ’stuff’ happen in my life this year. Who know that was going to happen? (Well God I guess).
Anyway I have finished with university for the year. So I’m planning to air my opinions more often.
The first new innovation will be a review of a children’s book every Friday, with a focus on fiction. I think there is a need for review to guide Christian parents. The reviews will focus more on children’s books from the UK, Australia and NZ. The Christian community is large and active in the US so there is a lot of information regarding US children’s fiction. I plan to review books that you will find in your local library.
Since this is my blog I may break some of the above rules, but I want to give a Christian opinion on the kinds of books you or your children can find easily.
Other stuff I’ve been doing, here’s a photo of one activity that’s consuming me at the moment.
